And here we are again

So, talked to AJ tonight. He forgot to call me yesterday, which hurt a little. I guess mostly because I look forward to his phone call. It's almost pathetic how I sit and wait for him to decide to call me. I guess AJ was over at Rob's house and lost track of time. It was 11:30 when he realized what time it was, and he thought, supposedly, that it was too late. Never mind that he usually calls me around 11:15 anyway. What it amounts to is that he didn't want to call me. Still stings. I kinda got pissed off and told him I'd talk to him tomorrow or whenever he felt like calling me again. He was like Okay. Yeah, so right now I'm wallowing in self-pity. If you wanna join me, just hop right in. We can hang out feeling sorry for ourselves. heh. Just wish I had a friend I could talk to about all this. People come to me when they're upset, but for some reason I never come to them when I feel like shit. Doesn't matter, really. I'll just end up doing what I usually do and deal with it. Probably stick on my headphones and go to sleep tonight. Listen to something that makes me happy. Hugggs, and good night guys.

Nicole

Think tonight needs to be a hug night. Okay, I miss everyone at home so I'm sending you guys all hugggggs. Even if I just know you online, take a web-hug from me. Maybe your night'll get better too.

Today has been so fucking retarted. I really thought that college would be better then high school. Instead, I'm still dealing with people who are inmature, and can't handle responsibility. The emoticon thing isn't for you guys. It's for the heinus dykewads that have pissed in my cereal today. It's been a long day.

Ana and I went for a long walk today up to a store that was closed by the time we got there. Yeah, that was really nice. I was impressed, let me tell you. Other then that, I am trying to find a cheap motel/hotel for AJ and I to stay at when he comes down. The one I found today was ratty at best and the manager lacked manners. I got the impression that he first thought I was a lesbien, then when I told him I was comming with my boyfriend, then he wanted to know the guys age, and told us we couldn't have friends over, or beer and other stuff like that. First of all, I'm not a party girl, and secondly, I'm not technically old enough to drink, so he can suck my ass. The guy was a dick head. Then, when I asked him how much per night it was to stay here he changed his answer. First it was $40.00, then $45.00. I told AJ that I'm going to be looking for a different place for us to stay because I didn't appreciate being treated like that. In other news... I don't understand MLA format (for my composition class), so I'm doing the best I can, and since it's a rough draft, I'll ask the teacher after class if she can show me how to do it, because I don't know how. With any luck, she will and my problem will be solved. Other then that, I have a speech to make tomorrow, and finish my essay. Busy day. The roomates( other then Ana and I) are gone. I'm a bit happy about that because it means I can relax. I can do things when I want to and not have to worry about anyone else. Ana and I can watch TV till whenever we feel like it, and not be keeping them up, and we can do our homework when we want to, and eat when we want to. It's nice. Don't get me wrong. I like my roomates, for the most part. I just like doing things the way Ana and I do things. We make sense. I'm sure they think they make sense, but to me, they don't. I don't understand a lot about them and sometimes it makes it hard to live with. I don't understand needing attention all the time, or stealing or whatever. I don't understand obsessive cleaning. Ana and I get along great with each other because we both have things that we do alike. We both chill at night and sit and watch TV. Usually a movie or whatever, but it's relaxing. Just the two of us. Usually, there's at least one other person over when Justine and Michelle are here. Leeah I don't mind being over because she does things like Ana and I do them, plus, she's our friend. There's little urgency. It gets done, and the place looks nice, so why be crazy about it. Why be so set in your ways that the only clean is your clean? Ana's and my clean work fine. Being obsessive over something like cleaning only makes people miserable. There's really no need for it. Anyway, I'm going to get going.

Nicole

It's late, so this'll probably be quick. Walked to walmart, and finished my homework for Comp 1. Yay me. Other then that... Room negotiations were today. Went well. Leeah came over and we made this kickass Reese's bar thing. So yummy. Going to get going now. Night

Nicole

Today has been stressful. It didn't help that I have a raging headache, and have been super bitchy anyway. I don't understand why in the world someone would be so selfish, and yet want everyone to help them. Isolating yourself from the group and then expecting that group to conform to whatever it is that you want done is fucking crazy. I hate people with shitty attitudes. It drives me crazy. Other then that, not a lot. AJ's comming down from the 20th to the 22 in October! We're going to get a hotel room and everything. With any luck anyway. Going to get going.

Nicole

Long time, sorry. It's been a whirlwind of craziness down here at college. Ana and I love our dorm, and tomorrow or the next day the other two roomates should be here. The people in our hall are really nice. Anyway, it's great because we all share stuff. Most of us are broke right now, so we live ( in Nicks words) as communists. We're all poor and share everything. I'm not so sure about that. I think it's just people being nice. Anyway, I've made a few friends, and I wanted to tell you about them. Kim is one of the first friends I've made. We get along really well because we are both a tad cynical about certain things and can laugh at a lot. Then there's Kayla ( one of Kim's rommies). She's a proud mexican and is very knowledgable about Mexican foods. Leaha ( that may be spelled wrong, but thats how you pronounce it) is just awesome. Nick and Leaha came over to our dorm last night and we all watched movies. It was awesome. Joe is a horndog. He's a sweet guy, but a horn dog. Matt reminds me a little of a guy that went to the same high school as me a while ago. They're both a bit cynical and arn't afraid to tell anyone their opinion. I like him, he's cool. Then there's two massage therapists ( one I hang out with and like) and the other I don't know so well, but he's nice. Then there's Ninja card Swipe Mike. He's cool too. Thats the basic run down of the people I can randomnly remember. Other then that, tomorrow I go in for an interview at Hardees. YAYY. It'll be nice. I'll only be working beteween 15 and 20 hours a week, so I'll have plenty of time to get my work done. I really miss AJ. He calls me every night around 10 or so and we talk. It's making this all a bit easier. I have an essay to do, so I need to do it.

Nicole

Today has been productive. I've spent today with Danny doing things. Mostly biking around for stuff. It's nice to have some time where it's just the two of us. First we biked up to the store to get cake and icing. We came home and dropped it off then he wanted to go out to eat, so we biked to the resturant and ate. After that we came home and Danny decided to mow the lawn but discovered that he needed gas for it, so we biked up to where Mom works and she gave us money. We then had to bike back home and grab the gas can because neither of us had thought to grab it when we left. So, we grabbed the gas can and biked up to the gas station, then home. Danny mowed the lawn and I baked the cake. Mom just came home, and soon AJ should be too. My Mom couldn't get the truck to put my college stuff in, so it looks like we're either going to have to cram as much as we can into the car, or AJ ( he said he would) could follow us. I want everyone together for the ride down. It's the last time I'll see them for a long time and it would be easier if we just could manage that. It's not looking good for that though. Most likely, AJ will follow in the truck. Fun Fun. On the plus side, I got an outfit for the first day of school. I also saved $108.00 for when I go downstate. $50.00 of that is going for food and the rest of it is going for stuff I need still that I don't want to have to find a place to cram for. I need to find my schedule. Like today. Okay, so I'm going to let you go.

Nicole

Okay, so I've been avoiding my journal since that last post. As much as I try and convince myself that I actually don't care what other people say, I care. I don't know you guys ( except Ana, of course) real life, but your opinions matter. Crazy how that works, isn't it? I did something today that I'm not proud of, though I don't know if it falls under the lines of respect or being a hypocrite. Today was my last day at work, and my co workers threw me a party. Well, before we sat down to eat, my boss asks if I would like them to give prayer before we eat. They're all religious, except me. I hadn't made it known to them that I wasn't. They prayed for me, and I felt like a pile of shit. Even after I couldn't tell them. I feel bad because I basically lied to them, but I also feel that part of me did it out of respect for those present. I don't know. I'm confused. Nobody's ever really prayed for me ( that I know of), and if they did they never asked me. I really need some advice. What do you think? Was it right or wrong?

Nicole

I hate this. I hate misleading people, which is what I feel I've been doing. Not to Ana, but to those of you who don't know me real life. So, here it is.... the truth, in all it's brutalness.

The first thing, and probably the most profound to some... I don't believe in god. I think it's great to have a relationship with him. I don't though. I honestly think it's good to. I guess in my own way I see things a bit differently. It gets a lot of people really mad at me, but it needs to be said. I don't need the promise of a heaven to make me do whats right. I know right from wrong. I try not to lie, and try to treat people fairly. All in all, I'm a good person that doesn't believe in God. God has been absent from my life and hasn't showed me one iota of care, so we're not on speaking terms. It sounds petty, but to me, it's not. Having everyone tell you that this god cares about you and then going home and dealing with everything there and asking every night for an answer to it all and getting Gods answering machine gets old after a while. In my opinion, he turned his back on me. He left me alone when I needed him the most. Where was he when my life fell apart? If I'm not important enough for him to take a second out of his infinate day and notice that my life isn't anywhere near right, then why should I believe in him? He didn't believe in me. I used to believe in god. When I was young I believed in him, then he left me. I don't know why, and I don't care. When a loving, caring god becomes too busy for his own "children" there's a problem. So, I spent a lot of time figuring out what I did believe in and I came to this conclusion: I believe in me. I am here, I know me, and I know my capabilities. I know my strengths and weakness's. I know where I came from, and what I stand for. I'm not saying I'm god, because I'm not. I believe that I can be as good as any Christian and not believe in God. I have yet to come across a christian that actually lives up to the standards set forth from their religion. Yet most of them will turn away in disgust when someone states they don't believe in their god. That must be the whole " acceptance' part of the religion that most seem to have slept through. I'm not intending to attack Christianity. I want my friends that don't already know to know the truth. I encourage everyone to have a relationship with god, even if I don't. Love it or leave it, this is a part of me. So, if you guys don't talk to me again, thats fine. I figure it's better to be hated for who I am then loved for who I'm not.

Nicole